Audition

12 years old and entering the 7th grade at a brand new Jr. high. This was me. 

My mom was a cheerleader in high school, and loved every second of it. She tried all throughout my childhood to push me in that direction, and when she did, I would just bounce back. I didn't much like the sport. Beginning 7th grade in a new school was daunting for me. My mom saw that they were having try-outs for a cheerleading squad at the school and signed me up. Both of us extremely nervous, she dropped me off. I signed in and was assigned a number. Some older girls taught us a routine, which we practiced religiously for the next week. I got help from everyone I knew, attempting to make my routine perfect. I was hoping and jumping in every second of my spare time, bound and determined to make this squad the place I belonged. A week later, I followed the same procedure, being dropped off, signing in, and posting my number visibly on my tshirt. We went over the routine again and then were sent in a classroom in groups of four to perform for the judges. I felt chubby in my shorts and shirt they had given me to wear. I surveyed the group and concluded that I was not as pretty, nor as thin as the other girls. By the time my number was called I had beaten myself down, almost to the point of tears. Of course, they sent me in with 3 of the most talented girls there. I was so nervous. I stared at the wall above the judges' heads and tried my hardest to smile. My mom had said before my audition, "No matter what, smile and look happy!" Oh boy did I try. I forgot the last half of my routine and couldn't do the required toe touch. I left feeling defeated. 

By the end of another long week I had convinced myself that I had done a decent audition, and half expected to make the squad. Mom and I hoped in her car and drove down to the school to see the list that had been posted. I was so nervous... completely immersed in the situation. We got out of the car and scanned the list over. In the four times we scanned it after the first, my number still did not appear. I was absolutely crushed. I sobbed in my room that night, to the point of making myself sick... even though this was something I had never been remotely interested in. I wanted to belong, that was the deal. 

I realize now that, hey, that was my first audition. Just another brick in the wall of Kateonbroadway.

Edit: I am comfortable in my own skin now, for the most part, and confident in my talent. I no longer beat myself down before an audition, but push myself up, confident that I can go in and do my best, and if they shouldn't like what they see, then I need to move on. Maybe I've come a long way since the 7th grade... here's hoping.