Daydreamers

You are beautiful, so incredibly exquisite. Thank you for everything you do.

No, I don't really know what you mean.

Says he likes to spin me like a top and watch me go. Says he thinks it's cute. I don't really know what that means.

There are things I try not to care about, but unfortunately, I am becoming painfully aware of my transparency. I fear that everyone can see me trying not to care. But I care. I can't help it. I care deeply, vividly and with fervor (although it is sometimes misplaced). Somehow, though, I have to learn to harness this transparency and become more stoic. It is being used against me. In the most wickedly quiet ways. It is in the way you feign interest and intelligence. It is in the way you word your phrases and catch my glance on certain syllables. It's in the way you act around the people who don't matter when I'm looking. It's becoming dangerous.
"Whatever, I don't care"
"Yes, you do" he says with such confidence it shakes me. I feel trapped. Like my battle strategies have been found out.
I smile coyly and pretend like there's more to this that what he's seeing. I'm praying to the fucking Gods that this time I'm not transparent, but I'm not entirely sure that got me anywhere.

But then it got me everywhere. Because for a moment there, I was being transparent on purpose. And it fucking worked.

First Things First

This is a letter to everyone and anyone who may ever come across this blog space.

Hello! Welcome to the internet. This is my blog where I write very candid (and sometimes not-so-candid) things about my life. More likely than not there will be people included in this blog (they will always remain nameless) that are familiar to those of you who read it. However, just because it is posted here does not mean it is true, accurate, applicable....etc. This is where I write about what MY brain thinks. If you cannot handle it, please make your way to another blog space. It is extremely difficult for me to begin an entirely new blog simply because there are certain people in my life who can't handle the context in which I post things here. There are a lot of pieces in this blog that I am attached to and don't wish to dismiss at someone else's request. I will continue to post what I please. For those of you who have been loyal readers without judgement, thank you. Please, keep reading. For the rest of you, you are not invited back.


Sincerely,
K

Needles

In the wake of the mystery a stranger says to me, "Don't worry, baby. Just trust me." and I do.

You Don't Only Steal My Sanity

I'm not sure what the next step is. I'd ask for your help but my voice can't be heard from where you are, and now I'm afraid that I'll have to be my own salvation. I feel regret for having brought us here, but once something is done...it's
.....you know the rest.

#loveyounomatterwhat

It's Painful

I didn't think.
I didn't think much on coming back.
I didn't think much on coming back to all of this.
I didn't think much about how bittersweet it could be.

Alas, the time has come and I have to think about it now.

But this city knows me well. Upon returning she offered me several gifts of appreciation; mostly in the form of irreplaceable memories. She also offered up some old gifts, ones I had thrown to the wayside, ones I took to the local thrift shop when I decided to change lives. I found them scattered all along the streets, and as I drive, they flood my brain like a Mississippi rainstorm can flood a field: changing the state of its crops forever. I don't know if I like it. I guess I didn't think much about that.

The Chain

I knew the night would come, I just didn't know quite when. The night when I would sit down and face it, grieve it, believe it and try and move on. Sitting alone on this couch I wish I could do something, change something, say something, anything to make something different, to make what happened better or erase it or let go of it.

Does it ever leave you?