Monday, September 29, 2008


Watching the Sex In The City movie with HH. Makes me miss NYC.


Saturday, September 27, 2008

Things I know for sure

I don't many things for sure. I am not entirely sure that I know anything for sure. I am sure, however, that acting is what I want to do with my life. When I grow up I want to continue to be an actress. I know for sure, that I want you to stop telling me that I can't. I could be a million other things, I know. I could be a writer, a nurse... I could be something that you'd surely be proud of. I could be the journalist you want me to be...I could write articles for a magazine, sit in a cubicle and drink the same office coffee every morning before sitting down in my office chair in front of my computer with pictures of my cousins, brothers, friends plastered around the screen. Post-it notes scattered about, pieces of paper, a telephone. I could work in a huge building with 45 floors. It's not what I want. I want to walk through a large metal door into a brightly lit room, sit down on a stool in front of a mirror with pictures of my cousins, brothers, friends tucked into the corners. Lip stick, sponges, fake eyelashes, hairspray scattered about. I want to walk out onto a stage and make a full house laugh, cry and clap every night of the week. I want to share inside jokes with my fellow actors. I want to work hard every night to find something more inside of me, something new to bring to the show. I want to learn from the people I work with, learn about myself, about my craft. I want to be an actress.

Yes, I am a little fish in a big pond and there are thousands, millions, more just like me but I can do this. Wherever I end up I will know that I followed my heart, I believe in myself and my dreams and at the end of the day, that's what is going to matter. That's what's going to matter to me.

"It's your WHAT!?"

Last night I went to the cast party for Oklahoma. It's nice to be around people who share the same feelings you do about acting. We got to talking about theatre we'd done in the past and upon announcing this is my first lead in a musical my director and several others gasped loudly, asking me how that could be. The oppourtunity has never presented itself, really... until now. I've only auditioned for two other musicals in my entire life. They argued amongst themselves about how it could possibly be that I've never been a lead in a musical before when one of the men in the cast says, "No, no you see... her big career is AHEAD of her. She's only at the beginning just yet!" My career? It's a cool thing, to have someone you look up to say something like that. He thinks I have a career ahead of me? :).

It made me feel good, like if someone else believes in me, then maybe it'd do me some good to believe in myself.

Friday, September 26, 2008

"Uh Oh" just doesn't cover it.



I accidentally dropped my precious Macbook on the tile floor yesterday (THANK GOODNESS FOR ITS CASE) ... after which time the CD Drive began to make these awful, annoying noises. There was a CD inside when I dropped it, and it started making weird noises after I pulled it out... so, something broke.

I called apple support. Gosh, they're nice folks. I have an appointment at the Genuis Bar tomorrow at noon so they can look at it. I feel much better after the nice man assured me that I wouldn't have to go without my Macbook for long, even if I did have to send it in. *whew*

iLove my Macbook <3

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Maybe I'm lazy. I am either lazy or stubborn, or both. I hate college.I dislike class. I don't dislike "college" or the idea of college. I am still trying to figure myself out, but it's one of two things... I'm not doing what I love in school (well tough shit everyone has to take these stupid general classes... I know). I'm not doing ANYTHING I like in school and I don't really have a goal. Everything is still up in the air as of now. My major is undecided, and so is my future. The second thing: I am LAZY. All of this college nonsense takes work. "If I'm not getting what I want, I refuse to participate in anything else..."... this is where my stubborn theory comes in.

If I could have it my way like BK promises, I'd take the next year off to do community theatre, dance and take voice lessons. This is the part where I realize that I am both lazy and stubborn. Lazy in that I HATE doing GenEd work, and stubborn in that I refuse to do anything but what I want to do.

This post means nothing, just mindless rambling in PHIL110.

Monday, September 22, 2008


They say that you should keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.... that is JUST what I intend to do.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Everybody thinks I've lost my mind, but I just take it day by day

Sleep. I've been sleeping a good 14 hours a day lately.
Ihatebeingawake...unless I'm on stage.

More to come

We've been two nights running now with OKLAHOMA! I'm happy again. I'm doing what I love. Regardless of all of these other things I've been fussing about, I'm doing what I love. I am doing what I wish I could do every day for the rest of my life.

I'll post pictures later =) and document more of my very first musical experience.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

"Hey you,
are such
a good you,
for me."


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

My Birthday

For my birthday I want this:

in a stocking.

Got it?

"Did you know...."

HE and I used to talk on the phone (years ago... three and a half years actually) for hours. We used to start as early as 9pm and talk until the sun came up. I vividly remember holding the phone to my ear, snuggled up in the sheets, the TV on mute- something to provide light- watching the window...dreading the first ray of light the sun might shed... knowing that, when it did, we'd have to hang up and get some sleep. We used to talk about everything... stupid, stupid stuff. I remember my stomach used to hurt from laughing at him so hard. We were trying to impress each other, i think. There were times when we talked about our most intimate moments and I felt so connected. When we were lucky enough not to have to be on the phone, we'd lay in bed together, late into the night and early into the morning, telling jokes, talking about our theories on the universe, and we were content with that- with each other. I was interested in what he had to say- genuinely, and happy to have someone to talk to... someone who i could tell everything to... bar nothing- nothing at all.

I don't think i will ever be able to describe how close I felt to HE in those moments, how in love I was with my new best friend, how I no longer felt alone- but that I would forever have someone on my team, loyal, always there. Laying next to him in those moments I felt comforted. I meant it so much when I said I could've laid there forever. I wanted to lay there forever. We could have, and we didn't.

Now I sit here and reminisce and I want to know why it had to go away, why those intimate, intense, warm, chilling, electric moments had to fade. I want to know why we don't talk anymore. I want to know why there is no longer someone on my team, I want to know why I am suddenly alone, I want to know what happened to my companion. And to my own question I reply, HE's right here...

...but he's not.


Something is wrong. I am sitting here in the dark, on my Macbook at 1am, unable to sleep. I am feeling empty and unfulfilled. A feeling I've been experiencing quite possibly since the minute I was handed my diploma, but more so lately, since I've moved out. At a loss- not knowing who I am, where I've been and what I'm doing. I'm waiting for the stage to save me, as it always does- opening night I walk out underneath those unforgivingly, bright lights and I am home again. I am everything I ever wished I could be and more; I am content, I am at peace, I am in love, I am happy. I am the person I want to be. I am waiting, waiting, waiting, ever so patiently for the stage to save me.

Saying Goodbye

"Hey, I'm around kinda where your apt is. Should I txt you when I'm done with dinner?"-CC
"Yes, please. :)."- Me
2 hours later..
"Hey, I'm done... directions please?"-CC

CC and I have been friends since my freshman year in high school. Despite what we've been through I am convinced he helped me survive what had proved to be a tough year for me. In fact, CC has helped me through a lot... maybe not always intentionally, but nevertheless, he's been a good friend.

CC and I are a lot alike. I think as a result of this we've knocked heads a lot. We are both egotistical, insecure, competitive, controlling, leaders. On the same token, we've been able to sit in a coffee shop for 8 hours at a time and just talk... about everything. CC and I experienced so much together in high school. We fell in love, fell out of sync, cried, laughed, explored, discovered. He used to come over to my house at 12am, knock on my window and stay until 3am. He used to come over and spend the night when my mom went out of town because he knew I was afraid... he protected me- once calling the police because of some weirdos outside my house. He often came home with me after school and raided my refrigerator and ate my Flintstones vitamins. I remember one time in particular he came to my house because neither of us could sleep. We had just explored the basements at school and were absolutely petrified. He sat in the corner of my sectional couch drinking a juice box (his 3rd or 4th I am sure) and eating leftover pizza from the fridge. The TV was on mute. We sat only inches from each other... and I sipped on his juice box and shared his pizza.
CC and I shared the same dreams and aspirations... we used to sit in his car in parking lots and sing along to our favorite musicals, always "practicing" but for what, we weren't so sure. Always asking the other's opinion on our own talents... each other's best critic. We lurked together, many times, in our director's office to find traces of the next (very secret) musical our school would put on ... laughed until we cried, screamed at each other and were completely irreverent, psychotic, irrational, and hilarious. Time and time again he and I consulted each other for advice, looked to one another for a shoulder to cry on... and more often than not, it was there.

"I'm almost there, I'll call you."- CC

All of this is running through my mind as I race around the apartment in an attempt to make it look nice. It's the first time he's seen it. I'm picking up the clothes and humming a song from my favorite musical trying to forget that he's leaving in a few hours. Trying to keep my heart from completely falling into my stomach, I am hoping he calls later rather than sooner.

CC and I always planned to go off to college together and I had never, ever, not until this very moment, thought that we would have to be apart. Maybe I avoided the notion.

I answer the phone, "Hey baby"
He responds, "I'm here!!!"
I walk out onto the balcony and lean forward, "I can see you...."
He responds, "Ok... creeper..."
I don't think I had ever been so happy to see him. He looked wonderful, glowing almost. He looked happy for the first time in a long time. Pretending like we weren't here to say goodbye, I invited him into the apartment. I casually showed him around all 544 square feet. Introduced him to the roommate. He sat on my bed with me for a few minutes and we chatted about how nervous he was to be moving so far away, and how much packing he still had left to do. It was already 11pm and he was leaving at 5am that morning. CC and I always had procrastination in common.

"You should get going then, retard" I said jokingly.
He agreed and we walked to the door. We walked outside and down the steps. He took my hand and held it as we walked to the car. I rambled about how far away he parked, avoiding the goodbye. He grabbed me and held me tight saying he'd miss me. I tried to wish him luck, and safety and happiness all through my tears. Reminding him not to forget me, not to fall off the face of the earth, to come home soon, to spend my birthday with me, to enjoy himself... as he was going off to live our dream.

"I love you" He said as he let go and walked to the door of his car.
"I love you, too" I replied

I watched him get in the car and started to walk away, sobbing all the way back to the apartment. I tried to compose myself outside the door, walked inside, and lost it again. I sat on my bed and bawled for a good hour... looking for someone to console me. CC and I had often fought and no one understood why I was so upset about his leaving. The only one who could possibly understand the complexity of my feeling at that moment was CC.

"I miss you already..." I texted him, knowing he'd still be awake
"I miss you already." He replied instantly

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Don't Blame Me

It's really not HE's fault, I understand that. I also understand that HE promised he would be there to see me as my first lead in a musical. I can't explain to you how much it meant to me, that HE said he'd go. HE is busy all three weekends of my show. Maybe next time, ... right?

Monday, September 15, 2008

A lot of waiting

I am still feeling this stupid sickness. It's not constant anymore, but off and on. I think that maybe some of it has to do with not getting enough sleep. 2-3 hours a night is not sufficient, and will continue to be so especially throughout "Hell Week".

Oklahoma! opens Friday... holy crap. The time went by so incredibly fast and now I'm scrambling to grasp onto what it is we're actually doing. I'm having lots of trouble finding my character... right now Miss Laurey Williams reminds me of a refigerator in a house full of children. Scattered, colorful, not cohesive.

The battery life on my Mac is dying. I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The week from hell followed by hell week.

As I sit here and soak my disgusting toe in hot water I reflect back on this past week... WHICH SUCKED.

I have some sort of mysterious illness (possibly... [very possibly] stress induced) in which I vomit profusely every once in a while and have a constant... really constant... stomach ache. This has been going on since last Sunday... so approximately seven days now. I am seriously sick of being sick.

next week I have rehearsal every night... show opens Friday. Holy Holy CRAP. =[

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The ties that bind.

I now fear the words that pour out onto this blog. I edit and edit to be sure there's nothing I said, no feeling I've expressed, that may be taken against it's will and made into something it never hoped to be. It is terribly amazing to me, truly, how devastatingly desperate we can be- looking, searching, frantic to find something to create waves that may distract us, or others from the tsunamis in our own lives. Actively looking to provoke a storm in this already raging sea- even at the expense of someone you love.


I am officially enrolled in ballet. The last time I took a ballet class (age 6) the teacher asked my mother, kindly, to put me in something else. THAT's how uncoordinated I can be....

Dad- look at me being all pro-active! Even though I should have done this last year when we got back... instead of taking TAP.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


It confuses me as to why we still practice marriage. Marriage for as long as time can tell has been a means of obtaining status or gaining wealth- not for love. Napoleon married to gain communications with his bride's father... King of a country he sought after. Women often searched for men of higher status so that they could be well taken care of for the remainders of their days etc. ( I am really in no mood to research historical examples-- just please take the college girl's word for it...). Anyway, I am just confused as to why we are trying to adapt this practice, that was so clearly meant for something else, and trying to make it fit into the societal codes of today. Why is it that we commit ourselves to one person and attempt to be happy "forever"? It's just something I was thinking about today... while I was COMPLETELY paying attention in class.


On the way home in the car, I thought about all of these things to write about, and now I can't think of a thing...


Ok- so I am spending my morning applying for schools... ready?

Carnegie Mellon
Cincinnati Conservatory
Boston Conservatory
OKlahoma City Un.
... I can't remember the others at the moment...

But anyway-

last year my kind father drove me to LA to audition for Cincinnati. I seriously failed my dance audition: the solution? Taking ballet... knowing what all these silly french turns are... I'm realizing now that maybe I should wait and audition FALL 2010 ... to get some ballet under my belt. Auditions for Fall 2009 are Feb 8.. too soon to learn ballet?

What do you guys think?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Common Grounds

I'm sitting on the freezing cold tile in a hallway of the Social Sciences building sipping on my "blended vanilla latte". This morning I researched ways to wake yourself up sans caffeine, in vain (obviously). There is nothing particularly exciting about being here. Nothing especially liberating or inspiring. Nothing here that I see any potential in to motivate me to keep on truckin'. So I walk, out of my first class to the coffee cart outside this building, unaffected by my first few hours awake in the world. The line for this dinky coffee stand is 6 or 7 people long and I, with a small sigh, tack myself onto the end of it. After a minute the guy in front of me turns to me and says, " Isn't this great? Monday mornings" and smiles at me. I am not the only one who grudgingly pried themselves out of bed and felt a tinge of bitterness while glancing at her roommate who slept in instead of attending class. In that moment I felt accompanied by the rest of the world who also despised a Monday morning.

Being pessimistic and dramatic as I am I would give my first two weeks at college a C. Average, satisfactory, lacking the ability to go above and beyond. I would say that it has failed me entirely except for the one thing I actually adore about this institution: the people. The people, like the guy from this morning, who notice you, and who notice the camaraderie that is to be had. There is a lack of the idea of the "clique" and a maturity that allows one to converse with someone he or she may not know. Also I've noticed the overwhelming disappearance of social stigmas. This is not to say that social stigmas have vanished all together, but it is to say that they have dwindled to a mere minimum, allowing that guy in front of me to address me casually without taking mind to my social status/group/whatever. In this institution we are all students, we are all wildcats and for the most part, we are all, in some way united.

The other place that this idea of unity is presented and most proudly displayed is at our football games. We have temporarily discarded the notion of studying and learning completely on a Saturday night to paint our bodies, adorn ourselves with beads and stickers, to write obscene comments across our stomachs, point absurdly large foam fingers and to shout obnoxiously above the crowd, "U of A, U of A". My experiences at these sports gatherings are among the best I've had so far at university, I'd maybe even go to so far as to say that they are the best. The unity is what gets me. It's what ups my evaluation grade from an F to a C. It's the short conversations about brutal monday mornings with a stranger who also enjoys coffee that brighten my day and make me think that maybe I can do this, maybe I can do this because I'm not alone.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Send me a sign

HH and I were driving home from my hair appointment on Friday when we saw a young girl, college aged, in a bright red tshirt and white shorts standing on the corner of two main streets. She was holding up a sign that said, "Stundents for McCain!" She was jumping around and waving it everywhere. I tried desperately to recover from my sudden laugh attack before the light turned green. I don't know what Stundents are, but NEWSFLASH: they support McCain.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Again with the toe...

Don't know how I did it but after arriving in my first class today I realize that I've hurt my toe... and it is bleeding profusely. It isn't until after class when I take a closer look that I realize something is protruding out of my toe... a piece of cement, glass, plaster... if you will. Something I can't remove myself because A) I am far too squeemish B) it would hurt like hell and C) I can't really grab onto it... because it's so embedded. ew & ouch. On my way to the emergency room. More later. 

Edits: here is the before and after- 

My wonderful mother, the nurse, (bless her heart) took care of my injured toe in the middle of her shift at the hospital today. Nothing was in my toe... it was just so mangled with skin and such that it looked like it. She opened it up with tweezers and put all this medication inside... I tried not to look so I can't really describe it to you. Yuck. My poor toe =(

Sept. 3

Instead of listening to my Philosophy lecture I am memorizing my lines for Oklahoma. 

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Children

I am not a fan of kids in general. There are few I find that I enjoy spending time with. Wherever I go, no matter what I am doing, children gravitate towards me. At the grocery store, walking to the mailbox, on my way to class, at Subway, at family get-togethers. They stare, ask questions, want to know my name. Three times now, three separate occasions, I have had a child run up to me in the grocery store to show me what they had in their hand (ie a poptart, cereal, a candy bar). 

It's not that big of a deal, I don't HATE children... I just can't figure out why they gravitate towards me. 

Gosh this was a stupid post. 

Missing 250GB

In a perfect world my macbook would fit inside of my pocket and in any moment I could pull it out, open it up, and write. I wouldn't have to rely on my forgetful mind to remember these moment which I wish to write about. Until then, he sits on my bed, awaiting anxiously my return and I anxiously awaiting to be, again, at the place where I can write all of these thoughts down. 

Another moment

In the darkness of fading twilight, it caught my eye through the chain link fence, large and orange with rust. The material enclosing it is transparent and as we accelerate the street lights behind it are blurred with even more precision, mocking shooting stars. Industrial and rusted as it may be, it mimics the night sky between cars. I can't tell if it's moving or not. I change my mind and tilt my head. I stare at the chain links, then at the cars, then up at the sky. There's nothing to hold on to, nothing still enough to use as a guide. 

I likened myself to the cargo train, trying desperately to find out where I'm going, which direction I'm headed, if I'm moving. All the while mimicking the world around me, trying to find my place, my purpose.  

A moment

"Don't you think it's weird that someone shot a Nazi with this gun?"
"Yeah- look at how it's all worn down right here, it looks like it was used a lot."
"Someone used this to protect their life in WWII, and now here we are holding it, laying in bed, pointing it at the ceiling."
"Yeah, we are... see how it has the original stamp on it? It shows the date."
"Someone looked right through this aim and shot at a Nazi."

And just like that, life moves on. The things that were once so important to you, dear soldier, now entertain HE and I on a Monday night in the year 2008. 


You can't be someone's everything. 

HE is searching. HE is searching for something to make him happy, something to fill a void. HE is searching for his purpose. As much as I wish I could make it better, cure his hurt & give him purpose, I can't. I realized this last night. Sure, he can love me with all of him, but I will never be what defines him. I have to let him go. I have to let him go do what he feels he needs to do, and my only job is to stand still and look pretty; to stand by his side to be a shoulder to cry on should he need it, a hug to receive, comforting words to listen to, and just plain old me, should he ever feel like he has no one, there I'll be- loving him all the time. 

It's a strange concept for me. I feel like I've believed for so long that when you love someone, and they love you it is the end all- all that matters is that you are together. But everyone has something that makes them tick, a purpose. Everyone needs someone, but everyone needs something else as well. I hope HE finds his something else.