Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Yeah, I hurt. I hurt just like you. I'm human and I hurt. Lately the hurt has been so overwhelming that I can barely bring myself to live this life. I can barely get up in the morning, shower and get to class. I can barely bring myself to see that I have no missed calls, nor texts from you. Your insensitivity is something I try not to bring to my own attention, but time and time again it comes back to haunt me. It was never anything I could point out, the insensitivity. It was always subtle and hidden beneath resentment and regret, hidden beneath convinence. The comments are backhanded, crude and often disguised but they hurt nonetheless. And I wonder, after all of these years, why I continue to put 110% into everything I do for you. Why I lay in bed at night and dream about our future. Why I strive to make you happy, fill your voids and comfort you. I wonder why. I wonder why, after loving you for so much and for so long I can't just let go. I wonder why you can't just love me back. I can say these things because I know you'll never read this. I can write these things because even though you're sitting just two feet away, you'll never know they've been written. You'll never strive to seek the insides of me, you will never ache to know my dreams and aspirations as I do yours. You will never visit my blog in hopes of getting some insight into the girl you claim to love. This is what breaks my heart. This thoughtlessness and insensitivity.
Sometimes I wonder about whether or not I need help. I am an absolute mastermind when it comes to suspending my disbelief during television shows and movies. Unfortunately this has caused a large problem for me. I wrap my soul around these television shows and can’t seem to unwrap myself when the season is over. The LOST season finale was on tonight, and now that Juliet has died, the bomb has been detonated and Jacob has been killed… I don’t know what to do with myself until January 2010. I’ve got to take this day by day, minute by minute even. Rest assured I’ll be rocking myself to sleep every night until January.