Saturday, May 31, 2008


At the YMCA kids carnival yesterday I heard my littlest brother Wg2 laugh. I couldn't help but notice the hint of baby giggle left in his tiny voice. A reminder that though he's growing up, he's still our little Wg2. I could listen to his laugh all day every day and never tire of it.

I've been sad lately. I sit and think about how I wish things had been different, and I've got to catch myself and realize that no amount of wishing could change the facts: I don't know anyone from Kindergarten, I haven't lived in the same house my entire life, I didn't grow up with my dad...etc. etc. These are the things I wish had been different, mostly.

It's a weird thing when you realize that time is not refundable, relivable, returnable, redoable. Once it passes, it's gone forever. But how is it that you live your life every day carrying out the "to-do" list that is necessary to keep above water and still make time for the moments you wish to have more of? ...To hear the laughter of very happy children, to have more talks with your parents, to see how precious family can be.

Today CC and I watched Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. All we could talk about afterwards was what our ten year reunion will be like. I have a sneaking suspicion that those ten years will fly by. I'm not sure if I know where I want to be ten years from now. I suppose I should probably figure that out.

I've been writing this post for two days now, trying to think of a title. After accepting the "one word, one syllable" title challenge I'm finding this to be exactly that: a challenge.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I doubt I'm gunna win you back when you've got eyes like that

Time, Time, Time.

My Macbook is in China right now. SHANGHAI to be exact. Its estimated delivery date is June 3rd by 10:30am. So tell me, if I ordered my Macbook on March 27th at 12pm ... why did I pay $25 for 2-3 day shipping?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

"Someone told me that love would all save us, but how can that be? Look what love gave us... a world full of killing, blood spilling"

I realized today that there's a fine line between thinking you love someone and just being attached. The urge to say "I love you" comes not from a feeling that screams, "undying, unconditional LOVE alert!!" but a fondness developed. A liking, an adoration. Not a groundbreaking, heart wrenching, movie-worthy love(whatever that may be). The caution we take in assuring it doesn't slip out and connote something it shouldn't is very great. For this is something that could potentially disastrous. "No, I didn't mean I love you..." I'm sure the person speaking that line almost never speaks it without sticking a little bit of their foot in their mouth. Anyone saying they don't love you, whether you care for them to or not, is a little awkward (at the very least)... don't you think? So the substitute remains something to the effect of "I adore you". Something non-committal, less scary. All the time wondering if the "I love you" that's trying to pry its way out of your mouth will ever be needed. If this person will ever merit an "I love you", or if they even need to.

On a completely different note: I got absolutley FRIED in the sun today. I forgot how intense the sun can be!! Sunscreen here I come!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

This is fact, not fiction, for the first time in years.

My best friends, Rj and Cc. Inseperable would be the word I'd use to describe us. Cc and I have been friends since my freshman year, completely immersed in eachother's lives. He knows every detail, as do I. Rj and I have seen eachother more than twice a day, every day, for the past year and a half. I call her every night before I go to sleep and vent about my day. Pre-graduation she called to make sure I had my outfit picked out and if I had noticed the horrible weather. Always telling me where my keys are when I can't remember. I called her once at 1am when my car broke down on a not so safe side of town, she came and retrieved me, then picked me up at 6am the next morning took me to my car and called AAA. She didn't leave my side until I was home safe again. I worked my very first shift at my current job, and was extremely ill. I couldn't make it home before i started vommiting profusely. She came to the park and cleaned me up as I was puking in the bushes. Sure this rambling has no point, but I feel it comforting to reminisce at a time when I can't stop crying.

And these two people, an intricate part of most every breath are leaving very soon. We are all to take seperate paths. Rj left tonight. I got a call from a hysterical Cc and all I could do was listen to him cry. How can you comfort someone when you've yet to learn to comfort yourself?

I have a panicked feeling in the pit of my stomach tonight as I wonder what I'm going to do without these two staples in my life. Sure, everything will be just fine and we'll always keep in contact yadda yadda. For now, it's hard people. It's very hard.

There's a saltwater film, on the jar of your ashes. [longest blog of my life]

I woke up yesterday morning to find my mother on the couch crying into a sweatshirt of mine, sobbing something about me going away to college. I sit next to her and quickly realize that there's nothing good about the situation and therefore nothing I can say except, "It's going to be OK" which I know isn't comforting. She just sits there and cries at 10am and I've got everywhere in the world to be but I can't just leave her. Soon enough I tell her to take a breath then take a shower and get ready, it'd make her feel better.

Mom and I are making a collage of pictures of my life for my graduation party tonight. We were looking through an album I got from my dads house, and she remarked that there were lots of pictures of him and I then proceeded to ask if there were pictures of her and I like that, of us doing things together as a child. There aren't, so I said "No". She looked sad, and then said, "Now I see why you cried so much coming home from visiting your dad. You two did things together,huh? You hung out? I don't have memories like that." Yes, my dad is a very good dad. Always has been, at least in my eyes. I lived away from him most of my life and would come to visit in the summer months, and that time was typically all about me. So when I reach back into my childhood and pull out some memories I pull out ones of dad and I in a rowboat in some little pond, him threatening to throw me in. I pull out memories of us eating pounds of Oreos and watching Mrs. Doubtfire. Going to movies and having intense conversations afterwards about what the movie "really meant". Mostly I remember that when I did spend time with my dad, and when we did talk together I felt like all he cared about in that moment was me, and what I had to say. There weren't other things floating around in his mind that seemed more important. I liked that undivided attention. I never got that from my mom, who was always concerned with herself. She's gotten better in recent years but here I am ready to go off to college. So what was I to say when she said, "I wish I had memories like that with you. Now I'll never get that back" ? All I could tell her was that she still had right now...

I love my mother. More than I could ever say to you in words. I know that we all make mistakes. She's grown up a lot in the past four years. Her priorities are in better places now.

I feel bad for her. If she had just opened her eyes, she would have seen a long time ago that the photoalbums were mostly filled with pictures of me and dad. She never cared to look. Or she never thought to look. Even worse.

Thursday, May 22, 2008


Graduation Day. Lots of emotions. Can't pick which ones I'd like to feel this early in the morning.

I did think of one thing last night though, that I thought I'd write out. I was sitting at the dinner table and I realized that without hope human beings wouldn't survive. Because, the only reason we keep going is because there's always a glimmer of hope, a subconcious feeling that there might be something better, something to look forward to. I think there is always hope, I think there always has to be.

The guy I like won American Idol. Not the guy I voted for, the guy I like. I missed the finale moment. My TIVO only records until the ending of the show and Idol ran five minutes over last night. So the recording stopped right as Mr. Seacrest said, "And the winner is..." ... I screamed extremely loudly and ran into my room to search for it on youtube but was only to be dissapointed. Talk about a letdown. Now that David Cook has won American Idol he's going to be extremely famous, and my chances of marriage to him become even slimmer.

I've always worried that when I throw my graduation cap up, I'll lose it. Is that a legitimate fear?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The winner takes it all.

Tonight I am stressed. Tonight I am stressed because my favorite two idols EVER have made it into the American Idol finals. Shoot. Now who the heck am I supposed to vote for? Ryan Seacrest has so generously alotted me four hours to decide, and here I am after several rewinds of the show STILL contemplating my vote. David v. David. Yes, there are more important things in life, but I can't help but picture myself up there. If I were them I would hope that people would take their voting seriously and vote for the most talented contestant. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THEY ARE BOTH EQUALLY MATCHED!? And no, I refuse to vote for BOTH finalists. That would just be silly.


Monday, May 19, 2008

What to get the graduate:

Acting on impulse I deleted the blog that previously resided here. I had completely forgotten that until now, and I think that today might be a good day to begin anew.

Graduation is 2 days 20 hours and 25 minutes away. At this point I'm not sure what I feel, or what I'm supposed to be feeling. Hatred for all the girls who have been ever so cruel to me this past few weeks, excitement for the fact I'll never see them again. Sadness in that I will miss my high school community, my best friends, sadness in change. It will undoubtedly never be the same again. I'm thinking this is a good thing.

My mom won't stop nagging me about graduation gifts. What does one buy a graduate? Personally, I think it's strange that we are commended for something that we are legally bound to do. "Hey! You did your taxes! What gift would you like to receive this year?" Because to be honest, I don't know if my freshman self would have continued high school if she had been given the option. So back to the question: What to get the graduate? I've been wanting some new sheets, and a new down comforter, but when I suggested these things to my mom she simply rolled her eyes and unpaused the show she was watching. Women.

My dad and step mom got me this gorgeous Sapphire ring for graduation. I don't think I've ever owned a more beautiful piece of jewelry and I could not love it more. It's so ... shiny! Of course, there's always more than shine. It means something because thought went into it. It was something they picked out for me and me alone. A symbol of my accomplishments and how proud they are of me. Perfect, and completely unexpected. The cool thing is, every time I look at it, I'll think of them. I dig that a lot.

So, what to get a grad?