Monday, February 27, 2012

because I write for me, not for you.

That's the trouble with letting go. It's difficult.
Among the mountains, between the valleys, underneath the caverns that my mind burrows into at night-interspersed, intertwined, inseparable from my surroundings lies the fear and the hesitation; hides the mourning.
I try to understand, to comprehend. I'm sitting here listless. Frustrated by the lack of feeling. Lack of impulse. Lack of movement. I try again and again, and still I can't understand you. I can't understand your ways. The jumping is the trouble. Sometimes I wish someone would push me.

Thursday, February 16, 2012


You are beautiful, so incredibly exquisite. Thank you for everything you do.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

No, I don't really know what you mean.

Says he likes to spin me like a top and watch me go. Says he thinks it's cute. I don't really know what that means.

There are things I try not to care about, but unfortunately, I am becoming painfully aware of my transparency. I fear that everyone can see me trying not to care. But I care. I can't help it. I care deeply, vividly and with fervor (although it is sometimes misplaced). Somehow, though, I have to learn to harness this transparency and become more stoic. It is being used against me. In the most wickedly quiet ways. It is in the way you feign interest and intelligence. It is in the way you word your phrases and catch my glance on certain syllables. It's in the way you act around the people who don't matter when I'm looking. It's becoming dangerous.
"Whatever, I don't care"
"Yes, you do" he says with such confidence it shakes me. I feel trapped. Like my battle strategies have been found out.
I smile coyly and pretend like there's more to this that what he's seeing. I'm praying to the fucking Gods that this time I'm not transparent, but I'm not entirely sure that got me anywhere.

But then it got me everywhere. Because for a moment there, I was being transparent on purpose. And it fucking worked.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

First Things First

This is a letter to everyone and anyone who may ever come across this blog space.

Hello! Welcome to the internet. This is my blog where I write very candid (and sometimes not-so-candid) things about my life. More likely than not there will be people included in this blog (they will always remain nameless) that are familiar to those of you who read it. However, just because it is posted here does not mean it is true, accurate, applicable....etc. This is where I write about what MY brain thinks. If you cannot handle it, please make your way to another blog space. It is extremely difficult for me to begin an entirely new blog simply because there are certain people in my life who can't handle the context in which I post things here. There are a lot of pieces in this blog that I am attached to and don't wish to dismiss at someone else's request. I will continue to post what I please. For those of you who have been loyal readers without judgement, thank you. Please, keep reading. For the rest of you, you are not invited back.