Thursday, February 2, 2012

No, I don't really know what you mean.

Says he likes to spin me like a top and watch me go. Says he thinks it's cute. I don't really know what that means.

There are things I try not to care about, but unfortunately, I am becoming painfully aware of my transparency. I fear that everyone can see me trying not to care. But I care. I can't help it. I care deeply, vividly and with fervor (although it is sometimes misplaced). Somehow, though, I have to learn to harness this transparency and become more stoic. It is being used against me. In the most wickedly quiet ways. It is in the way you feign interest and intelligence. It is in the way you word your phrases and catch my glance on certain syllables. It's in the way you act around the people who don't matter when I'm looking. It's becoming dangerous.
"Whatever, I don't care"
"Yes, you do" he says with such confidence it shakes me. I feel trapped. Like my battle strategies have been found out.
I smile coyly and pretend like there's more to this that what he's seeing. I'm praying to the fucking Gods that this time I'm not transparent, but I'm not entirely sure that got me anywhere.

But then it got me everywhere. Because for a moment there, I was being transparent on purpose. And it fucking worked.

1 comment:

Samson Agonistes said...

You are the queen of drama Cricket. And...language. Oh, and I love you. Oh and who can ever read these stupid codes?