I was under some false impression that this time it would be different. The lesson to be learned here is that we need to appreciate what we have and stop wanting so much. By we, I mean me. I guess. This feels disappointing. He is otherworldly with his patience. I envy that.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
I miss Nebraska. Lincoln, Nebraska is probably one of the most phenomenally beautiful places I've ever been. The grass, the architecture, the path of the roads, they all compliment one another so nicely. Everything feels ancient and the air is heavy with memories. It feels lived in, like a home.
Sometimes I miss Oklahoma. More often I miss what OKC meant to you and I, what it meant for our future. The independence it provided us and the bond we had to create to survive. It took a lot of trust. I am proud of us for that. Remember our first night there, on the balcony of the hotel? We were so hopeful. What a good memory...
Monday, September 10, 2012
It's raining. I'm nearing the end of my day finally. I haven't eaten, I simply don't provide myself the time. I'm thinking of you. I wish you wouldn't hang me out to dry like this. I don't like it. It feels lonely. Did you mean anything you said? I wonder if you know how to do this. To me, it's similar to this: I commission an artist to paint me the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen. He does. I don't like it. This doesn't invalidate his talent or my dream of a perfect sunset, it's just not the right fit. You told me you'd paint my picture. Where is it?
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Amy Winehouse, Adele and Missy Higgins. These girls know now how to work out a broken heart in a song. Damn. My motivators. All I want to do is write music. I want to write truth. I want to put my heart in a song. So, here I sit. Writing. I watch the sunrise. I've been up all night. These words wont leave me until I find their melody. So I don't sleep.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
He always knows when something's up. He can read me like a book. I guess I'm still transparent. Maybe even predictable. It feels heavy to me, that he knows me so well. It feels too infinite, too close. Lately I just want to be alone. I want to write my music, I want to sing. Mostly I want to be relieved of all the expectations. I'm tired of having a curfew. Imagine that.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Among the mountains, between the valleys, underneath the caverns that my mind burrows into at night-interspersed, intertwined, inseparable from my surroundings lies the fear and the hesitation; hides the mourning.
I try to understand, to comprehend. I'm sitting here listless. Frustrated by the lack of feeling. Lack of impulse. Lack of movement. I try again and again, and still I can't understand you. I can't understand your ways. The jumping is the trouble. Sometimes I wish someone would push me.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
There are things I try not to care about, but unfortunately, I am becoming painfully aware of my transparency. I fear that everyone can see me trying not to care. But I care. I can't help it. I care deeply, vividly and with fervor (although it is sometimes misplaced). Somehow, though, I have to learn to harness this transparency and become more stoic. It is being used against me. In the most wickedly quiet ways. It is in the way you feign interest and intelligence. It is in the way you word your phrases and catch my glance on certain syllables. It's in the way you act around the people who don't matter when I'm looking. It's becoming dangerous.
"Whatever, I don't care"
"Yes, you do" he says with such confidence it shakes me. I feel trapped. Like my battle strategies have been found out.
I smile coyly and pretend like there's more to this that what he's seeing. I'm praying to the fucking Gods that this time I'm not transparent, but I'm not entirely sure that got me anywhere.
But then it got me everywhere. Because for a moment there, I was being transparent on purpose. And it fucking worked.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Hello! Welcome to the internet. This is my blog where I write very candid (and sometimes not-so-candid) things about my life. More likely than not there will be people included in this blog (they will always remain nameless) that are familiar to those of you who read it. However, just because it is posted here does not mean it is true, accurate, applicable....etc. This is where I write about what MY brain thinks. If you cannot handle it, please make your way to another blog space. It is extremely difficult for me to begin an entirely new blog simply because there are certain people in my life who can't handle the context in which I post things here. There are a lot of pieces in this blog that I am attached to and don't wish to dismiss at someone else's request. I will continue to post what I please. For those of you who have been loyal readers without judgement, thank you. Please, keep reading. For the rest of you, you are not invited back.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
.....you know the rest.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I didn't think much on coming back.
I didn't think much on coming back to all of this.
I didn't think much about how bittersweet it could be.
Alas, the time has come and I have to think about it now.
But this city knows me well. Upon returning she offered me several gifts of appreciation; mostly in the form of irreplaceable memories. She also offered up some old gifts, ones I had thrown to the wayside, ones I took to the local thrift shop when I decided to change lives. I found them scattered all along the streets, and as I drive, they flood my brain like a Mississippi rainstorm can flood a field: changing the state of its crops forever. I don't know if I like it. I guess I didn't think much about that.