With all of my heart... [An extremely self indulgent post- my apologies if it doesn't make sense]]

Sometimes I wonder if it's the actual act of letting go of something that's painful, or if it's coming to terms with the fact that you have to let it go. Maybe they are both of equally difficulty.

I believe that everything serves a purpose. Some things are short lived and the lesson is easy, some are not so short and the lesson not so easy. I think sometimes it takes until long after the experience is over to realize what lessons you took away from it. What the whole ordeal really meant to you in the scheme of things.

Today I'm looking back on a relationship that has fallen into the category of "not so short and the lesson not so easy". I look back on the time that has passed and I am searching, searching for an answer among all the questions. What the hell am I supposed to take away from this mess? Sure, I've grown as a person, realized some of my strengths and a lot of my weaknesses... but I am struggling to find something bigger than that. Something that makes this pain worth while. Something that allows me to not walk away empty handed after saying goodbye. Something to help me say goodbye.

When you make a list of pros and cons your heart gets in the way and you can't hear your head. The pros outweigh the cons when you count the cons as pros. And when you have a long list of cons you start to knock them off one by one - blaming yourself for a good deal of the bad stuff. Your list of pros is again, longer. So you throw the paper away and are resolved to the fact that tree pulp and graphite are not going to solve your problem. You know that really all you're doing is procrastinating the pain. This sad realization, for me, prompts tears. On cue, here they come like a great flood. Turning the mess of paper I'm sitting in, back to tree pulp. My crying eyes desire to reminisce so I get out our box of "stuff". Memorabilia from the past three years. The flooding continues.

I have repeated this process, I don't know how many times. Stuck, like a broken record, never getting any further. Then tonight I ask myself the question I posed at the beginning of this blog. Tonight I feel like I'm one step closer to letting the pain envelop me, feeling it, and then moving on. One thing is for sure- it never gets any easier.