Rehearsal Diary

I can feel my heart beating in my chest, dreadfully nervous. The girls sitting across the way glaring in my direction and whispering when I say my lines doesn't help much. Already feeling completely insecure- they're making me feel unwelcome. I am called on stage and I am completely flustered as I feel like I am being harshly judged by the chorus girls. I forget which is stage right and which is stage left and I'm frantically writing in my script trying to keep cool on the outside. The stage lights are melting my makeup and I feel so very out of place. It's my line again and I gently slip back into my southern accent, into my character, into Oklahoma. I forget about the chorus girls, the stage lights and stage directions and I begin to do what i love most, lose myself in someone else. The director's voice brings me back to me and I feel an overwhelming sense of disappointment. I hold my breath until we begin again.

Towards the end of this rehearsal we sing together as a group. There is a girl who sings particularly loudly. She holds the notes out at least two beats longer than necessary. I am getting the feeling she is trying to be heard. It makes me even more uncomfortable as I remember how many times she congratulated me on getting the lead yesterday.

Apparently the boy that was cast as the lead male in this production bailed. I am left without a lead to share the limelight with, and it's proving uncomfortable. I am feeling alienated without my other half. I don't want to be the only object of their jealousy, I want someone to buddy up with, while all of the rest of the kids my age seclude themselves on the other side of the room.

I am learning something from this. I must be learning something from this. I have to be learning something from this. Please let me be learning something from this.