Being with my family is awkward and uncomfortable. I completely despise being in large groups of family members, it makes me nervous, and sick. Even worse are all the snide comments made to me from one family member about another. I hate that a lot of us pretend to like the others. It feels fake. Everyone complains behind everyone else's back. Except for the select few- the good ones. The loud, outspoken, real family people. The people that the family really centers around. The ones that make plans and coordinate things, steady and dependable.
Typically I'm OK with one or two family members at a time. I'm good with my aunts and uncles when we're separate from the rest of the clan. My cousins kinda make up for it. I think cousins are God's gift. I adore all of my cousins. They're like siblings, only not as consistently annoying.
I hope that one day I won't feel like this anymore. I hate, hate, hate it. It's awkward. I hate awkward. I love my family, it's just hard to relate. On both sides- my mom and my dads. I feel fake, like we're all being fake. Maybe it's my age =\.
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- I have at least three cups of coffee daily. I aspire to be an old cat lady. I love to sing. Me in a nutshell.
1 comment:
One of the AA slogans is "Fake it til you make it." They've learned that believing you can be sober is a powerful idea, even if you're not.
I think the same thing is true of families. We want to believe that our family can become what we think it is. The rub is our value systems are all different, even among siblings. Heck, especially among siblings.
We complain about each other because we're imperfect and egocentric, but it doesn't make us bad, just imperfect. It is, of course, better to speak no evil. God grant us the strength to keep our dark genies in the lamp.
It is also true that we go along to get along. Family matters and down inside we sense that reality and that sense grows as we age. Families are connected and those connections can help us be very strong, can even save us sometimes.
So be patient sweetheart. It can be tough, irritating and quarrelsome. In good ways and not so good ways these relationships help to mold our very identities, who we are, like tugboats bumping a large ship, guiding it. Still the big engine is yours and you can do as you please, but the tugboats are ever there, recommending a path and at times their influence will be considerable.
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