Tick

Today I feel grotesque. Unable to stop binge eating, and unable to look at myself in the mirror and smile. I have completely fallen prey to lurking my friends' myspace/facebook pages just to see how photogenic they are, how fashionable, how cool. Sure, looks aren't all what they seem, but today they are. Today I regret everything I've ever eaten. Today I wish I had adjusted my diet months ago. Today I wish I had the drive to workout instead of just sit here and complain. It is today that I wish I didn't want to look like all the girls in the magazines. Maybe this desire is a sin, but hey, when you throw it in my face waving oversized breasts, tiny tan tummies, perfectly manicured nails, and big beautiful eyelashes in my face, enough I'm bound to become brainwashed enough to believe it is the norm. And today, today I'm brainwashed. Today I feel like CRAP. The sucky thing is, it hasn't just been today, it's been every day, every day that I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror and be happy.

I can't help but think "Gee, if I had started getting in shape four months ago, I'd be happy by now! How hard would that be?" .. Time, time, time. Slipping, slipping, slipping.

EDIT: I've been having an extremely hard time sleeping lately. Wide awake at 1:15am, 2:15am, 3:15am, 4:15am, 5:15am, 6:15am, and if I'm lucky, I get to sleep around 7am, only to naturally become wide awake again at 9am. I've been relying on sleeping pills to sing me lullabies. It barely works. And I am so, so tired.