The Keeper Of Secrets

I am making a mistake. Currently, in my life, I am making several mistakes that I am aware of, yet continue to participate in. Like always, I am being selfish. I am torn. I am torn between the life I chose and the life I should have chosen. Being the Keeper Of Secrets I can live them both. I can live the life I've chosen and love while fulfilling dreams from a life I passed up long ago and wished I hadn't. If I keep quiet and tread lightly, for awhile I can have what I want. While I'm keeping these secrets I am, for the most part, content. I can have my cake and eat it too. I can have both of these lives. I can have them both at the expense of those I love. At their expense because I'm lying to them about awful things, heartbreaking things.

While they live in ignorance I carry around an intense guilt. Guilt is the price I pay for doing what I want. A constant battle with myself to choose the right thing, to do the right thing, to be a good person. Constantly torn between what I want and what I want, never really knowing which one I want more. The longer this goes on, the more I start to wonder if I'll ever be able to tell which one is really worth giving up. That scares me. It scares me to know that I may never be strong enough to let go of one and fully embrace the other. There's no telling which decision is the right one, or if after giving one up, I'll realize how much I miss the other.