The Shade of Poison Trees

The decisions I very consciously made are coming back to haunt me now; they're ever present in the words you don't say-or in text messages at 12:03am.

I did some things-over and over- that I'm not proud of. Things I tried to justify, things I kept secret. Things that ate away at me from the inside out until I eventually had to tell you. And every time I told you, for whatever reason, you sighed, cried, then told me it was OK as long as I didn't do it again. Each and almost every time, I did. I did do it again, and there you were like always- forgiving me.

So you see, though you've always been faithful and forgiving I still can't sleep at night when I think about her- and the way she likes you. I can't help but worry that you'll realize I'm really not worth the time. I can't help but think that in reality, this is what I deserve. And I can't handle it. It's all I'll think about for days. I'll dwell on it, and on the fact that I'm not good enough. I'll think about all the things I wish I was, could have been and will be. All of the things I could of changed, and how much better I could have been. And I know that it's all a lost cause, because what's past is past, but it still haunts me. So much so that I can't look myself in the mirror somedays. So for now, I close my eyes and try to think of other things. But I'll tell you, it's easier said than done.