It's Painful

I didn't think.
I didn't think much on coming back.
I didn't think much on coming back to all of this.
I didn't think much about how bittersweet it could be.

Alas, the time has come and I have to think about it now.

But this city knows me well. Upon returning she offered me several gifts of appreciation; mostly in the form of irreplaceable memories. She also offered up some old gifts, ones I had thrown to the wayside, ones I took to the local thrift shop when I decided to change lives. I found them scattered all along the streets, and as I drive, they flood my brain like a Mississippi rainstorm can flood a field: changing the state of its crops forever. I don't know if I like it. I guess I didn't think much about that.

The End.

Oklahoma! ended on Sunday. I could have bawled my eyes out if I didn't have Carousel to think about. For the past eight weeks I've been with that cast 15+ hours a week. There's something to be said about the camaraderie formed within a cast. Being that this was my first lead in a musical (and very nearly my first musical) the entire experience was completely new to me. Reading back on the rehearsal diaries I posted in August and the posts I made after starting the run of the show it's obvious that I was not completely thrilled with the musical experience. In retrospect I can't say that I feel any different now than I did then.

For so long I have put musicals on this brilliant pedestal as being something that only the most talented people can do. I've made them my ultimate goal. All I've wanted for the past three years was to be the lead in a musical- and here it was. The thing about musicals (or at least this one) is that I felt no attachment to the material. This could very well be because R&H have very little meaning or subtext beneath all of their hokey songs and dialogue. When I've done theatre in the past (straight plays) I have become extremely involved in my work and oftentimes so attached to a character that I can't shake it. Maybe it's because this was my first musical, and I'm just barely getting my feet wet. Maybe with more experience I'll be able to pull the same emotion I rely on in straight theatre and plug it into my musical characters. Either way I am willing to be it's going to be difficult. It's hard to sustain a reasonable, believable, meaningful character when you've got to break for song every five minutes and are (at least in my case) semi-worried about what you sound like. We'll see.

Either way I will miss my cast. Eventually I'll miss Oklahoma too... but for now I have heard ENOUGH of those songs. Blegh. Too bad the ones in Carousel SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME.

Oklahoma! (Oct. 5, 2008)

Today is our last performance of Oklahoma. I think I might have been heartbroken if I didn't have Carousel to worry about. Overall, my experience with this show has been... good. Of course it was not the most professional, or the best by any standard, but I am in love with my cast and my director. It'll be weird not seeing them 14 hours a week anymore.

"It's your WHAT!?"

Last night I went to the cast party for Oklahoma. It's nice to be around people who share the same feelings you do about acting. We got to talking about theatre we'd done in the past and upon announcing this is my first lead in a musical my director and several others gasped loudly, asking me how that could be. The oppourtunity has never presented itself, really... until now. I've only auditioned for two other musicals in my entire life. They argued amongst themselves about how it could possibly be that I've never been a lead in a musical before when one of the men in the cast says, "No, no you see... her big career is AHEAD of her. She's only at the beginning just yet!" My career? It's a cool thing, to have someone you look up to say something like that. He thinks I have a career ahead of me? :).

It made me feel good, like if someone else believes in me, then maybe it'd do me some good to believe in myself.

Don't Blame Me

It's really not HE's fault, I understand that. I also understand that HE promised he would be there to see me as my first lead in a musical. I can't explain to you how much it meant to me, that HE said he'd go. HE is busy all three weekends of my show. Maybe next time, ... right?

Penguins

I type this in my garage as I am awaiting my father and UncleJ to come and help me move some extremely heavy stuff into my apartment. I am so excited that they're helping me. There's no way I could carry half this stuff up a flight up stairs. =)

I got in around 130am last night and woke up at 630am this morning. Ew, let's not count how many hours...

I got some good advice last night from WP ( a cast member of Oklahoma ). He says, "Kate, don't do anything but be who you are. Just doing that is enough, I promise. Don't be who you think other people want you to be." Seems logical right? Sure enough it's always easier said than done... especially when the person you're throwing this advice at is an actor. He made me feel a bit better about things. Thinking about what WP said makes it easier to cope with what's going on right now amongst the cast. 

Life is confusing, don't you think? Somedays I really sit and ponder the point... not in a scary way... but in a really confused way. 

"We live and we learn to take one step at a time... it's going to happen when it's supposed to happen."

THISMAKESSOMUCHSENSE.

Sometimes it's hard for me to stand on solid ground. It's hard for me to balance everything. I tend to want everything now, and right now. I've forgotten how to be patient, how to be grateful for something I've waited so long for. So along with those other words of advice, WP tells me to be patient. Things don't need to happen overnight. For me, that's pretty much like walking a kid by a candy shop 84 times only to tell him that maybe next month we can stop in and look around... no candy promised. Patience? Gandhi would be ashamed of me...

Rehearsal Diary 3: Show it to me before opening night

Last night after rehearsal I was standing outside with some of the cast members chit chatting about new musicals and such (nerdy theatre kids...) and my director comes out the door and makes a b-line for me. She pulled me in close to her and said, "Honey, I need you to be louder, and more confident... like you were during auditions!" Taken aback I promptly assured her that I don't know this music, and as soon as I learn it she will hear the confidence & volume she requests. 

This angers me. Never before in my life have I heard this music. Tonight was our first rehearsal, and needless to say I've been listening to the OBC recording, some parts are left out and were never recorded. I have NO IDEA what these parts sound like, so upon singing them, Yes, I am a bit hesitant. "You need to show it to me before opening night", she reprimands me. 

I'm angry. I get into my car and call my voice teacher begging for an emergency lesson. So today at three I will go into my lesson & learn my music. 

AOIGHEO:ENFIPWHFPQEHJROJEQIOGHVBUEGWBFIHQEBFO!!!!!

Rehearsal Diary 2: "Well excuse me Miss Laurey!"

Better tonight.

I walk in and the director grabs me by my shoulders and says, "LAUREY (sometimes I wonder if she knows my REAL name) GUESS WHERE I GOT A CALL FROM!?" ... she received a phone call from Italy. Italy is where the boy who is playing the second male lead, Jud, is currently. She thinks she would like to make him the first male lead, Curly. We are all happy about this because we NEED a Curly, and low and behold this boy has called... just to check up on everything (weird, right?)... and gets the news that he is the lead. YAY. Halfway through rehearsal a scruffy young man walks in and is immediately cast as the second male lead, Jud. WOO. WE HAVE A FULL CAST. What wonderful news.

This fellow, in Italy, that is going to be playing Curly is very handsome. I saw a photograph. Did I mention that we just so happen to kiss several times throughout the duration of the play?

Everyone was a lot nicer today. I talked to everyone, we all call each other by our character names. I think it's cute. I'm in a much better frame of mind about it now. I am excited to dive into my script and start learning my lines. =)

Rehearsal Diary

I can feel my heart beating in my chest, dreadfully nervous. The girls sitting across the way glaring in my direction and whispering when I say my lines doesn't help much. Already feeling completely insecure- they're making me feel unwelcome. I am called on stage and I am completely flustered as I feel like I am being harshly judged by the chorus girls. I forget which is stage right and which is stage left and I'm frantically writing in my script trying to keep cool on the outside. The stage lights are melting my makeup and I feel so very out of place. It's my line again and I gently slip back into my southern accent, into my character, into Oklahoma. I forget about the chorus girls, the stage lights and stage directions and I begin to do what i love most, lose myself in someone else. The director's voice brings me back to me and I feel an overwhelming sense of disappointment. I hold my breath until we begin again.

Towards the end of this rehearsal we sing together as a group. There is a girl who sings particularly loudly. She holds the notes out at least two beats longer than necessary. I am getting the feeling she is trying to be heard. It makes me even more uncomfortable as I remember how many times she congratulated me on getting the lead yesterday.

Apparently the boy that was cast as the lead male in this production bailed. I am left without a lead to share the limelight with, and it's proving uncomfortable. I am feeling alienated without my other half. I don't want to be the only object of their jealousy, I want someone to buddy up with, while all of the rest of the kids my age seclude themselves on the other side of the room.

I am learning something from this. I must be learning something from this. I have to be learning something from this. Please let me be learning something from this.

Laurey

I was called and offered the lead female role in Oklahoma! The gal's name is Laurey. I am very excited. My first lead in a musical =). As dad says, "Your first off-Broadway Musical!" ... Haha, so very true.

Oklahoma--- where the wind goes where?

I went and auditioned for Oklahoma! last night @ The Red Barn Theater... which quite literally looks like a red barn. It was a good time. I sang (a very tiny bit of a song from a musical) and then they had me cold read from the script (which requires a southern accent!! So cute!) It was an open audition, so I sang and read in front of my competition, which is good and bad. My Nana came with me and told me afterwards that she saw how much acting filled me up, how all of a sudden my demeanor changed and I looked happy and excited. "Well duh" I told her. It's what I love to do, how could that not make you excited? The director was a very sweet lady, she said she's been directing for years. She did not once look up at anyone performing- she just listened. She said she knows how it feels to be on the other side and she always likes to call people no matter what- so on Thursday she'll be calling us all to let us know what parts we got, or what parts we didn't get. Lucky enough I got to fill out this sheet beforehand that said whether or not I would take ANY part and which part would I like to be considered for (I put the two lead women... again another DUH) I also checked that NO I wouldn't accept any part. I did this not to be snotty, but to prevent myself from spending a ton of rehearsal time on a show that I'm in for less than five minutes. I will be sure and let ya'll know which part I got, or didn't get :p