He always knows when something's up. He can read me like a book. I guess I'm still transparent. Maybe even predictable. It feels heavy to me, that he knows me so well. It feels too infinite, too close. Lately I just want to be alone. I want to write my music, I want to sing. Mostly I want to be relieved of all the expectations. I'm tired of having a curfew. Imagine that.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Gone
You're gone now, but everything we ever did lives on inside of me. I miss you on days like these. Days like the day I wandered into your theatre and caught you staring at me. Days like the day you twirled me around in the rain and professed your undying love to me beneath the safety of a jungle gym. The rain that came on show night, just before curtain and how you helped me onto the stage in my too-tight dress. I wonder what you're doing now and if you're happy. Sometimes I wonder if we sat in a room together what we might say. The things that may transpire. Would I fall in love with you all over again? Would I regret the things I thought but never said, the way I left when it was time to end? Do you remember all the nights we spent wide awake deep in the throes of a knock-down-drag-out fight? These things happened. Where are they now? They lie hidden away only in pictures and memories. I loved you so. I loved you. I wonder, when it's quiet and you can hear the rain, if you ever think of me.
Monday, February 27, 2012
because I write for me, not for you.
That's the trouble with letting go. It's difficult.
Among the mountains, between the valleys, underneath the caverns that my mind burrows into at night-interspersed, intertwined, inseparable from my surroundings lies the fear and the hesitation; hides the mourning.
I try to understand, to comprehend. I'm sitting here listless. Frustrated by the lack of feeling. Lack of impulse. Lack of movement. I try again and again, and still I can't understand you. I can't understand your ways. The jumping is the trouble. Sometimes I wish someone would push me.
Among the mountains, between the valleys, underneath the caverns that my mind burrows into at night-interspersed, intertwined, inseparable from my surroundings lies the fear and the hesitation; hides the mourning.
I try to understand, to comprehend. I'm sitting here listless. Frustrated by the lack of feeling. Lack of impulse. Lack of movement. I try again and again, and still I can't understand you. I can't understand your ways. The jumping is the trouble. Sometimes I wish someone would push me.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
No, I don't really know what you mean.
Says he likes to spin me like a top and watch me go. Says he thinks it's cute. I don't really know what that means.
There are things I try not to care about, but unfortunately, I am becoming painfully aware of my transparency. I fear that everyone can see me trying not to care. But I care. I can't help it. I care deeply, vividly and with fervor (although it is sometimes misplaced). Somehow, though, I have to learn to harness this transparency and become more stoic. It is being used against me. In the most wickedly quiet ways. It is in the way you feign interest and intelligence. It is in the way you word your phrases and catch my glance on certain syllables. It's in the way you act around the people who don't matter when I'm looking. It's becoming dangerous.
"Whatever, I don't care"
"Yes, you do" he says with such confidence it shakes me. I feel trapped. Like my battle strategies have been found out.
I smile coyly and pretend like there's more to this that what he's seeing. I'm praying to the fucking Gods that this time I'm not transparent, but I'm not entirely sure that got me anywhere.
But then it got me everywhere. Because for a moment there, I was being transparent on purpose. And it fucking worked.
There are things I try not to care about, but unfortunately, I am becoming painfully aware of my transparency. I fear that everyone can see me trying not to care. But I care. I can't help it. I care deeply, vividly and with fervor (although it is sometimes misplaced). Somehow, though, I have to learn to harness this transparency and become more stoic. It is being used against me. In the most wickedly quiet ways. It is in the way you feign interest and intelligence. It is in the way you word your phrases and catch my glance on certain syllables. It's in the way you act around the people who don't matter when I'm looking. It's becoming dangerous.
"Whatever, I don't care"
"Yes, you do" he says with such confidence it shakes me. I feel trapped. Like my battle strategies have been found out.
I smile coyly and pretend like there's more to this that what he's seeing. I'm praying to the fucking Gods that this time I'm not transparent, but I'm not entirely sure that got me anywhere.
But then it got me everywhere. Because for a moment there, I was being transparent on purpose. And it fucking worked.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
First Things First
This is a letter to everyone and anyone who may ever come across this blog space.
Hello! Welcome to the internet. This is my blog where I write very candid (and sometimes not-so-candid) things about my life. More likely than not there will be people included in this blog (they will always remain nameless) that are familiar to those of you who read it. However, just because it is posted here does not mean it is true, accurate, applicable....etc. This is where I write about what MY brain thinks. If you cannot handle it, please make your way to another blog space. It is extremely difficult for me to begin an entirely new blog simply because there are certain people in my life who can't handle the context in which I post things here. There are a lot of pieces in this blog that I am attached to and don't wish to dismiss at someone else's request. I will continue to post what I please. For those of you who have been loyal readers without judgement, thank you. Please, keep reading. For the rest of you, you are not invited back.
Sincerely,
K
Hello! Welcome to the internet. This is my blog where I write very candid (and sometimes not-so-candid) things about my life. More likely than not there will be people included in this blog (they will always remain nameless) that are familiar to those of you who read it. However, just because it is posted here does not mean it is true, accurate, applicable....etc. This is where I write about what MY brain thinks. If you cannot handle it, please make your way to another blog space. It is extremely difficult for me to begin an entirely new blog simply because there are certain people in my life who can't handle the context in which I post things here. There are a lot of pieces in this blog that I am attached to and don't wish to dismiss at someone else's request. I will continue to post what I please. For those of you who have been loyal readers without judgement, thank you. Please, keep reading. For the rest of you, you are not invited back.
Sincerely,
K
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